Drunk man’s belly flop shatters cop’s windshield

In the wee hours after midnight on New Year’s day, a man from Winnebago County, Wisconsin thought he’d ring in the new year with a quick trip to jail.

Menasha Police officers were investigating a report of a drunk man jumping on cars when their squad car became the latest victim.

While the officers were on foot, the drunk ran out and bell-flopped their squad car leaving a massive gut-sized crack across the windshield.

The officers chased down the 25-year-old and suffered minor injuries while apprehending him.

The slap-happy drunk was treated at the hospital before spending the night at the Winnebago County jail awaiting multiple charges.

 

5-year-old asks Grandmother why she’s single, but Grandma knows exactly why!

Kids say the darndest things…

A 5-year-old boy visited his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma later turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son, is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.”
The minister fainted.

From the mouths of babes, right?

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Idiot with a knife and a toaster learns explosive lesson about electricity

Watching idiots play with electricity is a lot like people watching in Wal-Mart around 3AM, it just makes you feel better about your own bad decisions.

Here are some of the most cringe-worthy moments from guys who liked the TV show Jackass a little too much when they were in high school.

If someone asks you, “do you think this will hurt?” the answer is probably yes. When in doubt, don’t play with electricity!

 

Here’s the best way to sharpen a chainsaw in the field

This chainsaw hack is a great solution if you hit a rock or something else that dulls your chain in the field.

If you forgot a spare chain or a vice, sharpening your old chain can be a real pain.

With this trick you can turn almost any tree stump into a vice with the help of a simple wedge. If you’re by yourself and only have one chainsaw, then this trick won’t work, but if you’re working with a crew it can be a real time saver.

These guys definitely score points for creative thinking and working with the tools they have on site!

 

Two Navy snipers take on 38 Somali pirates

Over the last 7 years, the European Union Naval Forces have undertaken a massive operation against Somali pirates.

Hundreds of hostages have been safely rescued and reports of piracy have dropped significantly thanks to their efforts.

This video compiles footage of various naval assaults on pirate vessels and civilian ships under pirate control.

 

Man visits doctor for help with “potency,” but had no idea what he was getting into

It’s just a joke! Don’t worry! Be Happy!

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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Girl does the “slut drop” onto a metal pole, ends up with stitches in the worst possible place

While having an impromptu dance off with a friend at a party, Bonnie-Lee Brown dropped it a little too hard and landed in the emergency room.

She didn’t notice the little shoe shelf on the floor and landed directly on the blunt tip of the metal support pole. She stood up almost as fast as she fell after the metal pole tore through her dress and body. She wrote about her injuries with a couple posts on Twitter. (She’s a Brit, so “ass” has been replaced with “arse”)

So I ended up with a pole up my bum Saturday night and had to have 3 stitches on my arse cheek and a tetnus jab, how was your weekend?

Don’t ask me why I was sl*t dropping to this song because I don’t know.

It didn’t go up my a**e, it went into my a**e cheek which is why I had to have stitches.

You should see my bum it’s so bruised it’s unreal.

With more than 26,000 views, you can bet she won’t be living this down any time soon.

Do you have any friends who’ve made a mistake like this?

Now we know why Southerners don’t design GPS systems

These friends are trying to go on a road trip, but they’re having a little trouble following the directions coming from their Southern GPS system.

If you’ve ever gotten directions from someone in the South, you’ll know exactly the type of trouble they’re in.

You’d better know the difference between ‘down yonder’ and ‘a hop, skip, and a jump’ if you’re going to make it on time with this GPS unit behind the wheel.

Anyone from the south knows most of our directions are based on landmarks that aren’t there anymore.

Y’all come back now, ya hear!

 

Young father protecting his family parks truck on top of road-rager

A young father from Ocala, Florida managed to save his family from a violent driver after parking his truck on directly on top of the road-rager’s little car.

It all began when 53-year-old Adalberto Aponte nearly caused multiple accidents while wrecklessly swerving through traffic in his Toyota Camry. Aponte started tailgating an 18-year-old man driving a Ford F-150 pickup with his girlfriend and infant child inside. After stopping at a traffic light, Aponte exited his vehicle and approached the pickup truck.

road rage 02

Aponte began punching the young father in the face through the open driver’s side windon. In an attempt to stop the attack, the young mother screamed that she had a gun in the truck. She did not have a gun, but was trying anything to stop the assault. “She decided she would have an outburst, saying, ‘We have a gun in the truck,’ thinking that would cause him to leave,” police Sgt. Cynthia Barnes said.

According to Florida law concerning possession of a firearm in private conveyance, persons under the age of 21 are not allowed to carry or transport a pistol in their vehicle unless it is “securely encased and not readily accessible.”

Aponte became outraged by her threat and screamed “I’ll show you a real gun.”

The attack stopped for a moment as Aponte returned to his vehicle and started rummaging in the side door. With no time to spare, the 18-year-old victim threw his truck into reverse and literally backed over the tiny Toyota.

road rage 01

His plan worked, and Aponte was denied access to his vehicle. Police arrived moments later and arrested Aponte on charges of burglary, battery, criminal mischief, and driving with a suspended license. Although no weapons were found in either vehicle, the young driver was well within his rights to protect his family.

After multiple witnesses came forward to corroborate their story, the 18-year-old truck driver and his family were released without any charges. Byron Buchanan, an eyewitness, told NBC news affiliate WESH 2, “He just went in reverse and went right over the top of the car!” Buchanan, who witnessed the attack in its entirety, described the initial assault, “The guy reaches in the vehicle and starts punching him in the face. The kid’s yelling, ‘Stop, I got an 11-month-old in here, stop, stop, stop.’”

Despite multiple witness accounts to the contrary, Aponte insists that he never punched the victim.