HARLEY DAVIDSON: HOW TO BE A TRUE HARLEY RIDER (SATIRE)

Do you pass a group of bikers and feel that twinge of jealously?

Do you look in the mirror and know that the mild mannered person looking back is not who you truly are?

Here is all the info you need to become a true Harley Davidson rider!

So you’re ready to step up your game and be a real Harley Rider, then you’ve come to the right place. Whether you already own one of these fantastic machines or you’re in the market to grow some hair in places where there was once none and purchase a hog of your own, we got your back. Just follow this simple guide and you’ll be all set to transform yourself into a true Harley Davidson rider. Separate yourself from the try hard dentists and middle age crisis dwelling riders who only want to be weekend warriors by becoming what they fear most, a true Harley Davidson rider. You’ll be so cool and patriotic that people will swear there were stars and stripes coming out of your giant tailpipes and not exhaust fumes!

MATERIALS NEEDED

  • Ape hangers bar kit
  • Chrome accessories
  • Half helmet
  • Scary tattoos

STEP 1 – BIKER HYGIENE

First what you’ll want to do is stop bathing. That’s right, put that soap down. Ask yourself something, has there ever been a real American hero that looked clean? John Wayne: dusty, Steve McQueen: sweaty, Marlon Brando: caked in food crumbs! Nothing says outlaw like bad hygiene. Bad asses don’t have time to shop for eucalyptus scented body wash with micro beads.

PRO TIP

For those who live with their SO that does not agree with the new olfactory scent can utilize aerosol body sprays to mask the new outlaw musk.

STEP 2 – HANG TEN

Next step you’ll want is to position your seat and handlebars in such a way to make your ride as uncomfortable as possible. The more you hurt, the more you’ll grimace and that scowl will show everyone that you’re a mean S.O.B. and not to be taken lightly! So get those handlebars up in the air and switch that seat out ASAP to get one step closer to achieving your goal.

PRO TIP

If you start to hurt while driving, just think back to hanging from the monkey bars years ago as a child. That was fun right? Now stop complaining!

STEP 3 – GO FROM BLACK BIKE TO SHINY ROAD KNIFE

Third, we all like sparkly things. It’s innate to us and the rest of the animal kingdom to be attracted to a glittering thing that passes us by. So for your third step in becoming a real deal true blue Harley rider, you’ll need chrome. The chrome accents will act as an awesome security measure to blind anyone who dares to come near your precious hog. The shinier the potential part, the better for your macho machine. You’ll be fine since a real Harley rider always rocks dark shades to mask their fiery gaze from the sheep like automobile driving population.

PRO TIP

Invest in some dark shades to protect your peepers. Not just from your newly shined up bike, but also from all the shade car drivers will be throwing at you.

STEP 4 – WHERE’S YOUR HEAD AT?

Now for Step 4, the focus is on the safety of riding while being awesome. Go out and strap on that skull cap half helmet to protect only the top portion of your brain and neglect the rest of your melon, like your frontal lobe. But who needs a frontal lobe anyway? Once you are on a bike, it’s all about the adrenal gland and cerebellum, right? Following me? Maybe your frontal lobe is already shot.

Following these steps will put you on the road to being a true Harley Davidson rider.